so i'm wearing the shoe till it fits

'sometimes, a person has to go a very long distance out of his way to come back a short distance correctly.'

- jerry, 'the zoo story'

'our life's work is to use what we have been given to wake up.'
-pema chodron

'i just have to make this list.'
-virginia, 'hysterical blindness'

as i said...i'm starting over. this is reminiscent of earlier this year, when i decided to start dropping baggage. i spent a fair bit of time just amassing ideas, trying to get a sense of what i was feeling or what exactly needed to be healed. finally, it struck me, the thing to do. make a list. i've recounted this all before. the hiv test, the letter to david, the letter to my father, the clarity petition, it's all here, more or less.

life's been a series of cycles lately. it seems that's all it ever is, lately, until the pattern works itself out or i finally forge on in an entirely new direction. moving to australia, apparently, was not new enough of a direction to move. and that's okay. it's gonna have to be, because as much as i (quite often) want to slip into my running sneakers and haul ass to tullamarine airport, i'm sitting here with it. i'm not running away this time.

take that, you fucking cycle.

so it's time to make a list. what is it i need to do this time? last time, the tasks were fairly tangible. this time, they're more vague, they don't come with such a set of instructions. they're something like:

1) let go
2) be grateful
3) get a job

i'm fairly unsure of what this starting over means. it means today, i applied for half as many jobs as usual, but i put in a concerted effort with each application, and didn't just spambot anything that looked halfway decent. it means when i finish writing this, i'm going to go for a jog. it means that when i walked to the supermarket earlier today, and that thing that's been nagging at me lately started singing again, i didn't shuffle along to its nasty beat. i picked up my head and looked around and thought, "i'm really grateful...i can walk. i'm really grateful...i'm healthy. i'm really...okay, i really don't want to do this, but okay...okay, i'm really grateful..." and it sort of helped.

it means when that soft tone of 'victim' starts to fill my voice, i clear my throat and speak up.

it means i'm taking the trash out, i'm doing those dishes, and i'm making the bed. these little efforts are important.

it means taking a deep breath.

it means when, as i'm writing this, i get a call from this salad place in the city i did a trial shift at, asking if i can work tomorrow at 11:30, i take it thankfully and consider it the universe throwing me a bone.

i guess that's something else i can be grateful for.

and now, of course, it's time i went on that jog. it will be tempting, as i step into those running sneakers, to just keep going and going, but i'm not disappearing. i'm not running away.

i've only just begun here.