and in my mind, i still need a place to go

i'm what you might call a "flight risk" these days.

the original idea of this blog--this "boy flying south"--has become something of a "boy flying off the handle." i had said in the last post that i've been thinking beyond australia, in terms of what i need to do, but that i didn't want to commit myself to anything just yet, whether spoken or in writing. my morning pages--the great staple holding together this whole "artist's way" process i'm entering week 11 of--are like a rollercoaster of emotions and ideas, as i guess they're supposed to be, but i didn't want to act that all out here. the idea is that, for the unknown handful of people still reading along, i rope it in a little, get an editor in to clean this up a bit, and try to make a cohesive story out of what's happening here.

maybe it's my irish catholic upbringing seeping out--i never truly believed that was anything more than a joke, but alas--but i'd hate for anyone to trek along through the great peaks and valleys of my emotions, at least not to such dizzying heights and trenchant depths. i may spill most of the beans in the can here, but i'd hate for anyone to think i'm being ridiculous.

all of this to say that i've been thinking a lot about when i'm leaving australia. and as of right now, it won't be at the end of july. as you may know, i bought a one-way ticket here, thinking, "well, i don't know when i'll be back, or even if i'll be back." i had this great fantasy of falling so entirely into a life here, from day one, and becoming entirely inextricable. it was something of a dark secret i wouldn't really admit to anyone in new york, no matter how much i cared for them, how much i would miss them.

i had intentions--i had visions--of never coming back.

well, i mean, okay, not never. but never in the sense of thinking, "i live here now." never in the sense that i would not be yearning to return to so much of my old life. i say this choking down so much of my pride--and you have to understand, there is almost an embarrassment in this admission, so be gentle--but this has not come to fruition at all. there are plenty of people who, with some world-weary sigh, might say, "well, it's only been four months. i think you need to lighten up. maybe you should give yourself some time." and i don't really know what to say to that.

yes, there's some truth to that. look how long new york took to work. this has been a huge change and the adjustment will understandably take time. maybe i really do need to lighten up--it wouldn't be completely unheard of in my life that i would be beating myself up or getting down on myself. blah blah, we've gotten that out of the way. that's all just to say, "i hear you."

but i'm not really listening. to be entirely honest, i'm not even really considering. i do have a tendency to smile politely and nod and say the right thing. it's another thing i never wanted to be "good at." but alas.

you get one shot at this life. how much of it do you want to spend knowing it's not working? particularly when you have a sense of knowing how it could work. there are plenty of reasons for me to believe my life would work better in new york. i have a lot of friends in new york; despite the economy, i have a better chance of getting a good job in new york, and not making salads every day. (mea culpa, mea culpa, college degree.) i like new york. i know i didn't for a while, but i also didn't like drinking for a while, and lo and fucking behold.

yet i'm not going anytime soon. the other day, i thought i knew when i was going. i even started telling people that was when i was going. and i'm sorry. because while this could change, i don't think i'll be back that soon. if anything, it makes sense for me to stay longer and, after hopefully landing a better job than this, save up even more so that my move back to new york is even smoother and easier. i also think, despite the fact that this is "not working," that i need more time here.

to do what? well, y'know, that's been the big question, and maybe someday i'll think about answering it, and i know i thought this blog would be all about answering it, but as it stands now...i don't really fucking care what i'm doing in australia. it doesn't matter. it really doesn't. it does not matter why i am here. in fact, i'd venture to say there is no reason, no actual action or experience or "thing" that defines my reasons for being here. i know i said last time that i was just afraid to answer the question, that i actually thought i knew what i was doing here, and that answer is still true. but it actually has nothing to do with australia.

i think the reason i'm in australia is this:

sometimes, you gotta go halfway around the world to realize where home is.

i know. so simple you could put it on a bumper sticker, or make it your favorite quote on facebook. maybe i will.

but i'm not going to then hop a plane and go back to america just for that. when i left the states, i said that i wanted the cause to be greater than the sacrifice. i didn't give up everything i had in new york for some simple truism. i came here to do more than that. so i'm not leaving yet.

i'm not done with australia, but come april, i'll be home.