oh, sweet sorrow, let's write the book tomorrow

i know, it's been heavy lately.

sorry about that, really. sometimes i think about the blog i wrote during my last trip to australia (which i will not be linking to here, as i'm both sort of ashamed of it and find it terribly incriminating) and it was such a different experience. i've euphemistically described those five and a half months as being something of an "awakening," as in a "sexual awakening." as in i was a total whore, which i'd never even thought i'd be considered even in jest. i remember thinking i'd maybe kiss one boy and ride that high all the way home. i was not entirely inexperienced when i first arrived on these sunburnt shores in 2006. i'd had my heart broken, my virginity taken, my understanding of intimacy and of another person's ability to easily forsake that intimacy revealed to me quite unequivocally.

not that it's all about what we lose or have lost, or what scars we get out of bed with every day (or get into bed with, as is often the case when we, as it's been so eloquently put, try to fuck the pain away). but i had no idea what debauchery i would be getting into when i arrived here the first time. it was, for the most part, a lot of fun. i did, of course, get emotionally involved with a couple people, and there was some drama. i met david here, and at least for those weeks we spent together in sydney, had up until that point, attained something close to ideal. now it seems i hardly recognize those days as happening in my own life.

i had thought, coming back here the second time, that i'd be repeating my ways. or i thought it was possible. granted, i was climbing out of the great chastity belt of 2008--and really, it was so so great--and i felt like, "sure, i could be free-wheeling again in oz, but maybe this time i'll be a bit healthier about it." i think something like a week after i got here, i had already, let's just say, fucked up.

but alas, it's almost the end of november, and i've long since descended from the highs of whoredom and have, quite effortlessly, kept things monogamous.

my therapist in college once that noted, "you live at extremes, 1 or 10, no in between." i don't remember what the context was when she pointed it out, but it ended up being entirely true about something like 98% of my life. like, when it comes to relationships. when i'm single, life's a buffet and i'm stacking plates. but when i'm in a relationship, i won't even look at the restaurant, let alone what's on the menu. we could credit my father for this one--y'know, like the money thing--because of course--and those self-help books i keep flashing under my trenchcoat will back me up here--we're entirely shaped by who raised us. and being raised by a man who wouldn't know monogamy if it came up and proposed to him, i've come to view cheating in any form to be something of a criminal offense.

though let's not beat around the bush: i know what i'm better at, or maybe less afraid of. i didn't have a single "relationship" in new york, though i was rarely not seeing someone, in some capacity, until the chastity belt went on. every guy i met in new york had the shelf life of three hours to a month, i'd say. and did i actually really, genuinely like any of them? i don't remember, and that's probably a sign. i was, let's be honest, in no shape to be anyone's boyfriend in new york. i was more like an amalgamation of alanis morissette songs.

it is incredible how the recipe changes when you add "2 cups of emotional attachment" to the situation. it's like you've been baking the same cake for months and months and months, and then you add this new ingredient, and suddenly, the cake pushes its way out of the oven and it eats you. i've accepted this. i've come to settle down and say, "hey, it's okay. i'm inside a cake."

i know we're not talking about what i'm doing here anymore, but when the madness settles and i don't quite feel like i'm careening through the streets of melbourne on the edge of hysteria every day, i realize that i'm learning a lot. some days, i sigh and think, "good god, i am so tired of feeling so crazy and emotional!" but eventually i realize it's just this crash course in life. i'm learning so much about what i want out of a career, a relationship, a social circle; what i need intellectually, artistically; how incredibly important it is to stay physically healthy in order stay sane; most of all, what kind of fight i have in me.

equally, i'm learning when it's best not to fight, and to just sit. and not run.

who knows, maybe i'll even learn how to find one of those stable numbers between 1 and 10. maybe i could learn how to live at a 6 sometimes.

i could get used to a 6. i could see myself even being entirely monogamous with a 6. y'know, deleting 1 and 10's numbers from my phone, not responding to their emails. when they say, "hey, let's go do something we'll all regret on friday!" i can, "no thanks, i'm seeing 6 these days. we're going to see an art film, then go get sushi and talk about eat, pray, love. have you read it? god, it's totally my life story."

ah, now that's a cake i could get comfortable inside of.