the rain is like an orchestra to me

on this date, two years ago, i had landed in newark airport after a day of flying i hardly remember. how strange, i remember so many minute details about my flight to australia five and a half months earlier, but hardly recall the return flight to america.

i do remember how silly my parents looked, standing by the baggage carousels as i came down the escalator. my mom had that tight smile on her face, her eyes seemingly all puddly pupils and lashes, which is the look she has when she's trying to not lose her shit in public. my stepdad kept it together as usual, but wouldn't let go when we finally hugged. my mother's relief that i was back in her midst was physically palpable. i can't remember for the life of me how i felt. tired, i suppose. happy to see them, but completely blindsided by the huge sense of vague familiarity of it all, and how very far away australia seemed.

as a surprise, my parents brought food from an italian restaurant i grew up going to, and craved on many an occasion in melbourne. best pizza i've ever had. it's so typical of my stepdad, and his affinity for elaborate surprises. sometimes they go over like the hindenburg, but this time, he nailed it. i sat in the backseat and gorged and talked about my flight, talked about how weird i felt, but couldn't seem to figure out what to say about australia. it was almost like temporary amnesia. what are we doing at the airport? who came home? from where? that doesn't sound familiar.

it took days to shake the jet lag, and just as long to know what to do with myself. i went back to work very quickly, and it was the definition of humbling. i was working in a kitchen with people who could hardly comprehend what i had just come back from. it was very "a little princess." though i fucking love that movie.

but life picks up and starts to happen again. i finally saw jay again and we went to penn state to see meagan and all of her friends and drink and drink and drink, and there was that sense of falling into something new and fun that i would not totally embrace before australia....maybe only a week or so after i got back from oz, i started talking to, and quickly fell head over heels for, nate. in the spirit of the agreement david and i made in sydney, i went with it, and our courtship became the very definition of putting the cart before the horse, but it was entirely enthralling and i thought, "my life is taking its next exciting turn..."

suffice it to say, this was the beginning of what i endearingly described to jay last night as, "the worst two years of my life." i know, how terribly judy blume of me. are you there, god? it's your old friend peggy again.

and i don't want to get lost in the trenchant doom-and-gloom of that. as jay pointed out, "there were good times, too. remember your birthday, when erin melnick dressed up in one of our chair covers?" yes, those were good times. and really, honestly, calling them "the worst two years of my life" is not fair. and anyway, i mean, essentially, they're over, as far as i'm concerned. as that self-help guru louise hay says, "i intend to make this the best year of my life." that woman is a fucking peach. and it's much easier now, when i'm feeling pretty bloody fantastic and on the cusp of exciting new things, to look back and say, "well, that was all very important."

but truly, i think anyone can agree with this quote from the astounding play "august: osage county" which i can't seem to ever shut the hell up about: "thank god we can't tell the future, or we'd never get out of bed." to that i say: true story. but thank god we can't erase the past, either. i wouldn't give up these last two years for anything.