and then you take a moment take a moment take a year take a year

well, my friends, today, this boy finally flies south.

even my horoscope says so. (yes, horoscopes.astrology.com) and i hardly need to reiterate my feelings about my horoscope. particularly, on the day when i step out into the great abyss of who-knows-what's-next, it says:

this day is going to unfold in some unpredictable directions, but not knowing exactly what is going to happen next might actually be a very good thing for you, right now. look for it to spark your creativity by the afternoon and help you get started on a new path in some aspect of your life. you'll have the urge to start a few new social endeavors you've been contemplating for a long time -- finally, you've got the right attitude for trying something new.

it's that last little line--that urgent interruption of it all, that summation of the point, that really gets me. "finally, you've got the right attitude for trying something new." and hasn't that been what the last few months have been about? i needed to arrive at a point in my life where i was ready to fly. i wasn't ready back in april, when i decided that, indeed, i would be going to australia. i still had a few trials by fire to go through, and great streamer trunks full of baggage to let go of. i had a lot of peace to find. i had to find the good in my life, so as to be sure that i was not running away from the bad.

needless to say, mission accomplished.

so now i arrive at those questions again. those old questions i introduced at day one. what are you going to do in australia? are you going to get a job? how are you going to support yourself? what are you doing?

my answer is still the same--"i'm just gonna figure it out"--but now i'm going, now i am actually figuring it out. and not to put the cart before the horse, i haven't even gotten on the plane yet. but in my mind, in my heart, i'm already there. i'm already in that new life. i woke up this morning--after a night of tossing and turning and bizarre dreams, despite the liberal dosage of "simply sleep" i took--and it was as matter of fact as "today is friday. the sun is out." today, you're going to australia. it has begun.

i want so much for this experience. i want for it the way a parent wants for their child to do well in life. i want for it the way we yearn for good health, a loving relationship, for peace. i want it to be brilliant. i want it to be right, in the sense that the good always outweighs the bad. i want the bad to be nothing more than an opportunity to grow and learn. i want the good to be the same.

i want it to be worth what i've given up. i want the cause to exceed the sacrifice. i want to know that the people i meet in australia, the sights i see, the experiences i have, are all innately "meant to be." before i left new york, maggie told me, "i can't imagine my life without you, but i can't imagine your life without this experience." and maybe that sums it up. i want to look at this experience as something indelible in my life's narrative. the story could not be told without this chapter. equally, this chapter could not exist without the progression of the story up to this point.

everything in life brings you to where you stand right now. everything happened the way it did so you would be doing what you're doing right now. so in that respect, i'm terribly grateful. for all the good, all the bad, all the smooth sailing and rough waters, all the times i collapsed under the emotional weight, and all the times i floated on the ineffable joy of the moment. for the people who broke my heart and the people who expanded its capacity to love. for the monotony and the spontaneity. for the impenetrable dark and clarifying light. for the doubts and the confidence. for all the yes and all the no of my life. i have no choice but to be incredibly grateful.

and on that, my best possible note, i take flight.