this boy's in love

i have a tendency to put the cart before the horse. i also have a tendency towards using that expression. i love the look of confusion on the imaginary faces of all involved, including the horse, including the cart passengers.

that being said, i think it's just a matter of coasting along with life's general good intentions before everything rights itself. be patient till you make friends, get lost until you ask for directions, have doubts until you take risks. i think it's so good to go without before receiving. i definitely think i endured that in new york, and while at the time it was a struggle, i also think my perception about it was different. looking back, though, i love so much more the life that came together because i knew how it was to have life exist at such disparate points, so unreachable from one to the other.

all of this to say, whatever unfounded life crisis i was having when i first got here has already passed. nevermind that i moved here with friends to immediately reconnect with, or with a good bit of savings to keep me cushioned for plenty of time to find a job, or the very fact that i was moving out of the bee hive manhattan in which i thrived, and to what has been considered one of the most livable cities in the world in one of the friendliest and most laidback countries in the world. i can hardly claim fear of the unknown, knowing all of this.

but i made the effort a while ago to stop judging the hell out of myself, because that only seems to spin my wheels in the mud. so fair enough, i was terrified at first. who wouldn't be? am i still? not in the least.

i've been here less than a week, and i may have already found a place to live, for rent so dirt cheap it would make the modern new yorker weep into his latte. and not in a ghettorific neighborhood either ala washington heights! in possibly my dream neighborhood, a quintessential example of everything i've ever wanted since i was cognizant of my desire for a barbie dream life, sequins and all.

i've been reconnecting with some old friends but also making plenty of new friends already. i have plans! i couldn't pay someone to have plans with me when i first moved to new york. what's more, i can make friends with boys, and hardly have to dodge the pitfalls of a casual hook-up. i think part of that has to do with dropping the habit of using sex as currency to pay for a life, but it's also such a different socialization here. making friends with people is effortless. much of that has to do with the people here, and i think a good bit of it has do with me forsaking any shell i might resort to hiding in.

yes, a lot of these comparisons are with new york in mind as the "meanwhile, it was so much harder in new york because blah blah blah" but it's worth mentioning that i miss the hell out of new york. it goes without saying, i miss the people, but i also miss the look, the feel, that cliche-ridden energy, and just the general sense of ever-expanding options for a life. i even miss how hard it made me work, how i sometimes had to earn it. new york is an exquisite boot camp.

but to be honest, i feel guilty about my loyalties. i am falling back in love with melbourne, but my break-up with new york is not a spiteful one. in fact, it's not even a break-up, it's just a circumstantial parting. i talk about new york so obnoxiously much. it feels a bit like that long marriage set in concrete, with highs and lows, betters and worses, sicknesses and health. and melbourne is this love affair i keep having anyway. so do you stick with the solid marriage, or the one that you can't seem to let get away?

(hmm, where is the horse that was drawing this cart? oh...what are you doing back there?)