i'll return from the streets of melbourne...

an epilogue.

three different people have commented, "is that the only winter jacket you have?"

"sorry," i say, smiling, my face red and windburnt on a stark february evening in manhattan. i must look like a five year old version me on a playground, tossing off my coat and running for the slide, sweaty and oblivious. "i just came from summer, i hardly remember how to dress for weather like this."

***

i thought i could beat the jetlag, but almost three weeks after arriving in america, i still find it creeps up on me late at night, taps me on the shoulder to wake me up, and insists i feed it. i'm weaning myself off the sleeping pills, because i need to be up sometime before 11am so i can lend enough time to the job search. i've never had so little money in the bank and so much debt on my credit card.

"jeez," i said at dinner last night with a laugh and a glass of red wine. "makes you wonder if it was all worth it!" i knew i didn't mean it, but the red wine was talking more than i was.

"well, whatever, i think it's awesome you went for it," someone said.

"yeah, and your situation right now is temporary," someone else noted. "you'll always have that experience."

***

as i'm writing this, i get a phone call from an agency looking to set up an interview. times like these, i fully believe that god has a great sense of humor and an even better sense of timing.

***

someone asked me if it felt like i had never left.

it doesn't.

***

driving home from the airport, i told my parents, "jeez, australia feels so far away now!"

"yeah," my mom said, "that's how it's felt for us the last six and half months."

***

everyone has commented on how tan i look. that is the first time in 24 years anyone has ever said that about me.

***

and new york. what can i say about new york? it's how i left it and it's not. i left new york in the summer, and she's a whole different being in the winter. the people are still fantastic, though. it's incredible how things change and don't change at all, and how much of it has to do with the eyes you're observing it all with.

australia has changed me. i don't quite know how yet. i suppose writing this blog could help in understanding the answer to that question.

***

the questions, the questions. the latest question: "so what were you doing there?"

i always laugh and say, "i have no idea!"

it's only half true. maybe i do know, but the answer's just too personal to reveal yet.

***

and finally this:

my mom calls me yesterday. after talking about the latest news in the ongoing saga of "why aren't my grandparents in assisted living yet?", we get to talking about my financial situation. i'm starting to vent, frustrated with how close to desperation i've gotten to, and baffled at how i've arrived at this point. i think i'm still handling it all quite calmly (which, to help answer the previous question, is one way australia has changed me) but like anyone, i'm starting to sweat a little.

"i've had money, i haven't had money, i'm still here," my mom said.

"yeah, i guess life goes on regardless."

"exactly," she said. "you'll get through this one. and obviously, no one's going to let you starve."

"i know," i said. "but i'm avoiding having to ask for any money. i want to know that i can do this."

"i know," she said. "and i think that's great. i don't think anyone can accuse you of not having any guts."

i sighed. "well. if anything, i guess i've got that."

and maybe that's all i really want. maybe that's...why i went to australia. maybe it was just to prove to myself--above anyone else--that i had the guts to do it. i could have flourished, i could have faltered. (i did a little of both.) i could have made a lot of friends, i could have lost some friends. (did a little of both of that too.) i could have loved it, i could have hated it. (ditto, twofold.)

but right decision, wrong decision; right move, wrong move; should have, shouldn't have: who cares. i did it. i will never have to look back and wish i took the opportunity, the risk, to answer the question, "what would happen if i went back to australia?"

i had the guts to say yes, and for that, it's all worth it.